The Write Timing

My voyage toward publication

Birth Day! July 11, 2016

Filed under: Blogs,Family,Parenthood,Starting Our Family,Uncategorized — michellephillips @ 4:30 pm
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This is a cheater blog post, because the actual post just appeared today on Pregnancy and Newborn’s Birth Day blog! ¬†Please check it out and read about the day our sweet baby Nate entered the world. ūüôā

 

Loving Them June 1, 2016

I’ve been meaning to get back to my writing. ¬†Truly, I have. ¬†Writing for Pregnancy and IMG_0219Newborn’s Knocked Up blog¬†(find my posts here!) made me feel like a real live writer, and that’s a feeling I had been longing to have for a while. ¬†You’d think I’d be more motivated to write every day. ¬†But, you see, there is other important work I’ve been doing.

 

In fact, it’s much more important work.

 

It’s the work of being a mother.

 

And I don’t just mean the washing of bottles and the changing of diapers. ¬†Sure, all of that is part of it (especially the diapers part – I have two kids under age 2 after all!), but it’s not the real substance of motherhood.

 

I’ve been busy loving them.

 

My two little dreams come true. ¬†I’ve been busy holding my tiny baby so close that it feels like our hearts have one beat. ¬†Kissing his cheeks over and over; willing him to feel the immensity of my love. ¬†Staring at his perfect face and listening to the gentle snores that sound sweeter than music. ¬†Letting his chubby hand grasp my finger and keeping it there just to be close to him. ¬†Still holding him an hour after he’s finished eating, just so I can watch him sleep and take in his beautiful baby smell. ¬†I’ve been savoring these precious baby moments because I realize they are so fleeting.

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And then there’s her. ¬†The beautiful girl who made me a mother. ¬†His big sister, who is really still a baby herself. ¬†But who is also wanting to be such a big girl. ¬†I’ve been talking to her, listening, even when I don’t understand a word of it. ¬†Playing with her babies and giving them so many kisses when she asks. ¬†Huddling into her play tent. ¬†Reading the same book three times in a row just because she loves it. ¬†Embracing the moments she’s sleepy and wants to be carried upstairs, so I can steal the cuddles she used to give so freely. ¬†Loving her up as much and as often as I can.

 

So yes, I’ve been wanting to write. ¬†But right now, I have much more important work to do. ¬†I’m loving my babies.

 

 

Journey to Joy – Part 1 July 16, 2015

Filed under: Dreams,Family,Goals,Starting Our Family — michellephillips @ 8:04 am
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For a while now, I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about something incredibly personal and close to my heart. ¬†What’s held me back is not being sure my words can capture these experiences. ¬†In fact, I’m certain I can’t capture them as fully as I’d like. ¬†However, what I know for sure is that they have to be shared. ¬†Our journey may encourage others and give them a gift I’m sure many have left behind: hope.

My husband Dave and I met in 2003 in the most romantic of locations: the juvenile justice unit of a group home for boys age 12-18. ¬†I know – how could we not¬†have¬†fallen in love against such a backdrop? ¬†We dated for two years before getting engaged and then married in August of 2006. ¬†We were young: 24 and 25. ¬†We had so many goals and dreams:¬†buying a house, traveling, finishing Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees, and eventually – having children.

As newlyweds, we decided we would wait two years before starting our family. ¬†Two years seemed like a decent amount of time to accomplish some of our goals and settle into married life before bringing a little one on board. ¬†We moved into our house. ¬†We visited Jamaica, Washington, D.C., and Italy. ¬†Dave finished his degree and I continued taking classes toward my Master’s.

The summer of 2008 arrived – two years had passed! – and we decided we were ready to start trying. ¬†Each month, we waited; we hoped. ¬†Each month, we were disappointed. ¬†The first few months weren’t bad. ¬†We knew it often took a few months for conception to occur once couples started trying. ¬†But as summer turned into fall and then winter, we started to get a bit discouraged. ¬†Every month, I’d fool myself into thinking I was pregnant. ¬†Oh – I think my sense of smell is heightened – I must be pregnant. ¬†I’m tired today – maybe I’m pregnant!

Many of our friends were announcing their pregnancies. ¬†We waited for the day we would announce ours. ¬†But as the calendar turned to 2009 and then 2010, our¬†discouraged feeling turned into concern. ¬†Why wasn’t this working? ¬†We thought we would have a baby in our arms by now. ¬†Heck – we thought we’d have a toddler! ¬†What was going on? ¬†Something had to be wrong.

Image courtesy of Pexels.

Image courtesy of Pexels.

I talked to my doctor. ¬†She ran some blood work and didn’t find anything amiss. ¬†She recommended going to see a specialist who could complete additional testing. ¬†So we made an appointment at a local reproductive center ($$$). ¬†We got tested. ¬†The results:¬†We can’t find anything wrong. ¬†But we can try a hysterosalpingogram. ¬†(For those who don’t know, a hysterosalpingogram is a procedure where dye is injected into the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if the tubes are open or blocked. ¬†For those who do know about it, I’m sorry. ¬†It probably means you’ve had one and they are hella painful.) ¬†The results: ¬†You have a beautiful uterus. ¬†Okaaaaay, that’s nice to hear? ¬†Weird, but nice. ¬†And now, dear doctor, tell me why I haven’t been able to conceive a child in my beautiful uterus.

The doctors could not find anything wrong with my husband or me.  But they decided to treat me anyway.  Six years later, I still have a problem with that.  How can you treat symptoms without knowing the cause?  Because the fact of the matter of this: infertility is not a diagnosis.  It is a symptom.  It is a symptom that SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING ON.  But, this doctor was not of that same opinion.  So he decided I should go on Clomid.

Here’s the thing – you cant just “go on Clomid.” ¬†Oh no. ¬†You have to come into the office for an initial ultrasound ($$$). ¬†Then you take your Clomid like a good girl and deal with the wonderful side effects of nausea, weight gain, etc. ¬†Then your husband has to give you a shot to make you ovulate at the appropriate time ($$$). ¬†Then you have to come back in for another ultrasound to see how many follicles have developed ($$$). ¬†And it goes on and on – every time you arrive at the office, you take out your checkbook – and you are totally willing to hand over the cash if it means you’ll end up a parent. ¬†Every time you hope and pray it’s going to work. ¬†Something that they’re doing, something they’re trying is going to work.

But it doesn’t.

The testing, the procedures, the medication Рnone of it works.  There is no resolution.

There is only heartache and arms that remain empty.

Attribution at bottom of post.

Image attribution at bottom of post.

Teddy bear¬†photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/61629383@N08/16133347587″>Flash of the Blade</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

 

 
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